The Time I Felt Close to God

When I turned 20, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And during the years of 2022-2024, I have experienced several instances of psychosis. These episodes could be interpreted as delusions, hallucinations, or revelations into my deeper inner psyche.

I believe that we all hold a piece of God in our soul. God is not an Odin like father figure looming in the sky, but the quantum entanglement that connects all life forms together in an elevated whole. When I experienced psychosis, it felt as if I was close to this God.

I bought pet rats close to my 20th birthday. When designing their cage, I accidentally placed a poisonous plant inside, known as the crown of thorns (as reference to the crown of thorns Jesus wore during his crucifixion). I did not realize this mistake until I saw a few bite marks on the leaves, and researched if it was safe for rats to consume. Turns out it was poisonous, and I was terrified that I nearly killed my baby rats.

After an emergency visit to the vet and ensuring that they are safe, I came home and decided to eat the leaf to feel how they felt. After eating it, I felt an instant elation of all the atoms on my body. This must be the work of God. Prior to this experience, I had never ingested any psychotropics, aside from a vape hit that I would cough at. Instantly, I called my mother and told her that God was real. Being a devout christian for many years, she said “of course He is real.”

My mother, concerned for my wellbeing stayed with me at my university dorm that night, and took me home to her house. The delusions kept coming, and in a moment I believed I was Jesus reincarnated. This delusion is a common one with those with mental illness. I slept the next day at my moms house with voices whispering in my ear and disturbing images when I closed my eyes. This only started when my mother told me to read the Bible scripts out loud.

The next morning I believed that Enlil had returned, wanting to reconnect with Enki. Incoherable things that would not make sense to anybody if they did not know about the ancient Babylonian clay tablets in the 8th century BCE. Worried for me, she told me to pray. We both closed our eyes and prayed, then counted down the numbers until we opened our eyes. I was afraid to open my eyes because I thought I would die and ascend to heaven, but eventually I opened them and her entire room looked brighter. I acted different, like everything was solved, but my mother was still deeply concerned. Right when I opened my eyes, the phone rang and it was the police, who were notified to come check on me. My mom and I both did not call the police.

Apparently, some friends were worried about me and one friend notified the police, who for so happened to have found out that I wasnt in my dorm and was in another city with my mom, and 4 cops came.

I remember showering, and wearing a white dress. I was scared. Terrified, I changed and they sent me to the hospital.

I believe that hospitals are deeply spiritual places where life begins and ends. Where medications that impact cognition and attention is distributed systematically. Where the institution dwells on healing as well as prey on the sick. They locked me up in a seclusion room for three to four days where I lost my memory. I had also spent my 20th birthday there.

This feeling, was addictive. Like I had found out the secrets to humanity that all the patients in the psych ward knew, but nurses, doctors, and normal people did not know. Two years later, I came to realize that the institutions did indeed know about the spiritual realm, as they integrate it in their healing, but they could not say it out loud.

looking at the current rising state of politics, transparent oppression, people speaking out, I feel that same feeling. The feeling of God talking right at me. I just want to curl up next to Him, like a tired puppy.

I’ve had several instances like this, with spirits and such, but this was the first. I believe I am lucky —

Being the first generation in my lineage to immigrate, to live in a psych ward, to feel something different.